Mayweather Pulls Out Of Fight Hours Before Due To Shocking Injury

  

Floyd Mayweather, due to be half of the biggest fight in boxing history tonight against Pacquiao, has pulled out last minute due to a rather embarrassing incident.

With the world set to be devastated by the news, a spokesman told us;

“Floyd was in his dressing room for hours earlier today as is tradition for him before a big fight.”

He goes on,

“After waiting for him to emerge, me and some of his aids heard a loud scream and rushed into his room. 

It’s not unusual for Floyd to stroke his meat for a lengthy period of time before taking to the ring. He finds it relaxing and eases any anxiety he may have.”

“In this particular incident we had no choice but to disturb him and make sure he was okay, after all, tonight is the biggest night of his career so far. 

As we entered his room we were confronted by a rancid gooey mess all across the ceiling and wall. It was like  something out of an alien movie. 

Floyd’s head was hung as he sat in his chair and he wasn’t moving. With his dick still in his hand, we noticed he had been beating off so violently his bellend had exploded. As a result, he was unconscious.”

The spokesman then exclusively told us,

“Obviously as a result Floyd will be unable to fight and is now currently in surgery having his japseye reconstructed.”

Stay tuned for more updates. 

 

Kanye West Violates Waiter At New York Restaurant

The world is not unfamiliar with shocking news stories being made by Kanye West, but the latest is sure to take the top spot.

Kanye was seen at a up market New York restaurant on Wednesday, dining with parter Kim Kardashian.

According to sources who were also indulging on the grub at the time have revealed Kanye seemed ‘not with it’ and had what they described as having ‘crazy eyes’.

One onlooker told us, “the evening was going great, Kanye seemed fine at first, he was laughing and joking with Kim when all of a sudden he exploded at a waiter quicker than you could blink.”

He continued, “it had turned out that the waiter had forgotten Kanye’s bib when he’d brought over his dinner. We were all shocked at what happened next.”

“Kanye looked up at the waiter as he began to walk off and shouted, ‘”Oi mother fucker! Where the fucks Kanye’s bib?”

“The waiter, who quickly stepped back to apologise, was then hurled with further abuse. West then stood up very slowly from his chair and got up in the poor mans face.

He grabbed the guys testicles with a tight grip and licked him on his nose and said, “You know who the fuck I am boy? I’m fucking Jesus! I’m Jesus Christ and I Jesus need a motha fukin’ bib to eat his dinner!”

The unnamed man continued, “the waiter looked shocked and squeezed out “I’m sorry sir please..” Before he could finish, Kanye twist his Crown Jewels around in a 360 motion and licked him in the nose again, this time getting his tongue right up in his nostrils. It was fucked up.”

“As Kanye continued to lick this dudes face, Kim timidly asked him, “Kanye please calm down baby” to that he turned round at through a plate at her face causing her to fly backwards off of her seat. As he did this his spat out “shut the fuck up whore!”

“The whole restaurant was in shock. No one knew what to do so we all just say there like it was normal and tried to not make eye contact with him.

To our shock, Kanye then put his hand down the waiters pants and ripped out his boxer shorts. He then let go of the guys balls and tucked his boxer shorts into his collar and said, “Yeah bitch, now Kanye wearing your panties as his bib. Now get the fuck outta here mother fucker!”

“As the waiter ran out the back crying, Kanye sat back down calmly and tucked into his steak as if nothing had happened.”

Justin Bieber Caught With Pants Around His Ankles

Is it any surprise that the pop prick which the world knows as Justin Bieber has been caught with his pants around his ankles?

It was reported that the ‘baby’ singing scrotum was out on the town late last Tuesday evening. The latest scandal is one that is sure to shock you. Or maybe not..

According to one source, Bieber was seen staggering down a well known Miami street renown for its night clubs. He was apparently on his own with no aids in sight. Clearly, he’d been drinking for some time.

One man who was drinking in a nearby bar, who does not want to be named, told us;

“I saw a scrawny looking guy falling over himself, singing as he fell down onto the side walk over and over. He sounded like he was twisting his nut sack round like the handles of a shopping bag.”

“Of course I hate Justin Bieber, like any normal person, but In a moment of weakness I felt kinda bad for him. I followed him down an ally way he’d fallen down to help him out.
What I saw next made me puke out the Mexican food I’d eaten only an hour before and I shat myself a little.”

He went on, “Bieber had stumbled behind a meat store and I was greeted by his clenching butt cheeks. To my disgust he was singing ‘baby, baby, baby, ooo, like baby, baby, baby ooo’. However this wasn’t the most fucked up thing about it.
It turns out he’d found a dead pigs remains and was fucking it like a crazed rabbit injected with the T-virus.”

Shocked by this, the unnamed man turned to run and get others to come and see what was happening.

“Before I could even blink, the little shit let out a cry like a demented wolf calling for his mommy and blew a load bigger than the contents of Niagara Falls in a 12 month period. He pulled his tiny stump out of the rotting corpse and shot his sticky white mess all into his own face.”

Then something even weirder happened, “after slapping his now flaccid pecker on the pigs chin he must have heard me start to walk away. He turned back at me and hissed like a cat with aids. He ripped open a nearby manhole and slithered down it quicker that you can say ‘pig cumshot’.”

After trying to contact Bieber about this incident, all we got back was ‘no comment.’

Disturbing to say the least.

Kim Kardashian Reveals Secret To Her Huge Bum

Kim Kardashian spoke to us in an exclusive interview following her latest shoot with Paper Magazine. The latest pictures in which Kim was shot fully nude have taken the internet by storm this week, and yet again her gigantic ass was on display.

Oiled up and shining like two genetically mutated apples, her butt looked bigger than ever.

We sat down with Kim for an hour yesterday as she went on to say she wanted to set the story straight about her famous booty and let everyone know how she really does achieve such size.

She told us, “since I was a girl I had a tiny butt. Guys would look at me and try or hit on me until I’d walk away and they’d notice my pea sized rear. They would laugh and point. This made me really self conscious and I knew I had to make my butt bigger if I was to be accepted and get some cock.”

We asked her, “so how did you tackle making your butt bigger?”

She explained, “well at first I didn’t really know what I was doing, I used to stay up real late into the night massaging my butt cheeks, but nothing happened.
Then I decided exercise was the answer, I used to do 1000 squats a day followed by 1000 lunges. I did this for a long time and it gave my butt a bit more shape but it just wouldn’t make it bigger.”

She went on, “feeling desperate for a nice round ass I turned to the internet. I looked through lots of websites until I realised there was nothing useful. The only option was surgery but I wanted to be all natural.”

“so, in a last ditched attempt I decided I would make my own butt filler from natural ingredients. And after lots of messy and sticky experiments I finally found the answer.”

And so it seemed that Kim had discovered an all natural, easy way to enlarge her behind with things you can go buy from your local store! Wow! We we’re so excited to find out more…

“Basically, she said, you need to get these things and mix them all together in to mushy liquid that you can inject Into your asshole. You wanna know how I do this?”

“Okay so it goes like this, you need:

100g of baking soda, 100g of flour, 3 eggs, but be careful to take out all the shells! I didn’t once and it felt like I was squeezing razor blades out for a week, ahahaha.”

She continued, “Then you need 100mls of whole milk, 10 bananas and a 50g human semen.”

“Now of course, Kanye is the type of nigga who likes to take things to the extreme, so he makes me use 200g of his man juice, which has actually really helped me get some good size.”

We asked her, “So did Kanye think your butt wasn’t big enough when he first met you?!”

She explained, “no. He hated my ass at first and would tell me I was disgusting . I remember one time after we made love he got and out bed and spat on my ass and said, ‘you are a fucking ass-less pig! Die in a fire!’ That was when I knew I had to amp things up.”

She goes back into the recipe, “So anyway, you need to really beat this mixture down into a mush and then add 200mls of water, then you’re ready to fill up a whole syringe and inject it into your butthole. And I do this once everyday in the morning.”

So, it turns out Kim’s booty isn’t just what her momma gave her after all, nor is it surgery like many think, or mutated by radiation poisoning like many others think, but in fact it’s a top secret recipe using household items.

So there you have it! Now you know why Kim K’s ass is so freakishly huge!